I’ve been hurt by you before, hurt badly.
I guess that can only happen when you love something or someone as completely as I loved you. The years I spent getting to know you, picking apart the minutiae because there wasn’t one fact too mundane that I didn’t want to commit it to memory. Your existence taught me, kept me, guided me. I needed all of you and would have it. Obsessed might be the attractive adjective but you always made me too happy for it to fit the way I felt. It was love, there’s no better word for it. There never will be.
Life has a habit of intruding despite our desperate attempts to hide from it’s gaze. Inevitably, all great loves must be interrupted and we were no exception. You had to go. For years you had to go and I never knew if I’d see you again. But it didn’t matter, this stupid, practically fictional, love I had for you would never be quelled. I’d always be your stalwart soldier, waiting for the day you might come back. Then, of course, you did.
I’d be waiting so long it almost didn’t seem like it could really be happening and yet, it was as real as it ever was. You were back and we were reunited. I opened my heart as wide as it could be opened without tearing, letting you in, to live safely and warmly inside of my love once again. Things were good at first, the prospect of being with you again was so overwhelming that I ignored all of the red flags that seem so obvious in retrospect. I should have known better, I shouldn’t have been so taken with the shiny new coat that so easily caught my eye. I should have dug deeper to see if that amazing, rich substance that’s within you, that I fell in love with all of those years ago, was still there. But I was overcome. I couldn’t hold back. I let myself drown in you again. I let the cares wash away and trusted that you’d be what I knew and loved before.
But you weren’t. There were moments of that old brilliance, sure, but the majority of your old charm was scoured away by greed and excess. You weren’t the same. You left and you changed. And while we all need to change and grow, your change seemed to favor the temporary in life. I could no longer see your drive for truth, your lust for life. You left as a majestic, ancient Mariner carving your path through the seas. You returned as a jet ski with neon decals, scaring fish and annoying the locals.
So, shocked and broken, it had to end again. This time it was me who had to leave. This “new you” wouldn’t do and I couldn’t let it overtake the perfectly flawed love I have with you, that I’ll always have with you, in my mind. For years, I thought that our second end would be the period of a very long sentence. I couldn’t risk my heart and sanity being shattered again by letting you back in. I couldn’t. It would be remarkably, unfairly idiotic. I had no plans to…then, I see one picture…and the old excitement wells up once again. I can’t help myself. You have me.
I am yours. Forever.